Some days are just hard. Some days no one is in a particularly good mood. Some days are long with only patches of goodness/greatness/light. After a week of late nights my kids are a little worn. I am getting over a cold and would like a little peace and quiet. I want to check the news on Drudge, I want to watch a DVD uninterrupted, I want to talk to my framer about framing without having to threaten discipline. I want to be a good Mom all the time, but at times like these I fall short.
Lily and Matthew are playing pretty well together (but it seems that Lily’s shrill scream is coming a little too often). I would normally get a break when they play but they are needy: they want me to watch what they are doing, to make comments, to see how high they can jump off the bed, to get them juice in the Spiderman cup, not the Chili’s cup, have a snack – goldfish and grapes and a cheese stick, ‘read to me’ – not in this room, in here, put the baby down, uppy-dup, turn on the music - Johnny Cash track 7 & 9over and over. I have 2 little bodies telling me what to do.
They need constant intervention today, he is stealing her toy, grabbing her books. She is crying over every little thing, needs her soother, rabbit, time out. Why aren’t they playing alone a little better? Why do they need me so much? Will they be damaged if I don’t show complete enthusiasm for all their show and tell moments and excitement in my constant acts of service? I just want some alone time. Some time to think of something else. I want them to go to bed and leave me alone. I feel pangs of guilt.
I know the answer to such days does not lie in sending them away to daycare or school. I don’t just need time away from them. I need to love them a little more. I need to order and focus my time a little more – time for play, time for school, time for reading on the floor with no interruptions, time for housework, time for art, time for quiet. I need to train them a little better on obedience and respect. I need to really see that bad days are a reality and it’s OK. We are building a life with it’s ups and downs. Real. Together.
I am always amazed at their capacity to forgive my weakness. They will wake up the next day, refreshed and I will spend an extra amount of time reading with them on the floor, listening to their every accomplishment and idea. Fill up their love bucket a little more and somehow that washes away yesterday’s dark memory.
